Monday, May 16, 2005
Missing.

oh, this entry will be in chinese again. want to read then ask me lor. then i tell you how to switch back to the chinese characters.

终于, 我就快要和这个网络世界暂时说再见了. 对, 我要还回电脑了. 非常快乐, 能够在还电脑之前, 和几个知心朋友聊聊.

小熊又犯老毛病了. 它又在沉思着了. 其实事情就是这么简单. 它明明早就知道结果是怎样子了. 只是它不要接受事实, 只想生活在那美丽的虚幻世界里, 不断欺骗自己. 它也收到了许多暗示. 嗨, 它也了解许多事情都不是在它控制的范围内. 它只是只无价值的东西罢了.

但大家每次都说: 生命是自己操控的, 要活的快乐, 有意思, 就要做出自己认为是对的选择. 倘若没得到理想的结果, 至少知道自己曾经尝试过, 而无后悔.

真的是着样子吗? 小熊并非觉得. 如暗示都这么清楚了, 它还答非所问, 不是自讨苦吃吗? 而如果又不弄清楚, 它又在欺骗自己, 伤害自己. 实在进退两难. 难道小熊的生命就是注定要受苦的吗?

小熊累了. 它真的累了. 就让他当回原来的小熊吧. 让他自生自灭吧. 死了, 也没人会理会它.

你知道小熊要的是什么吗? 难道单纯的爱, 就这么难找吗? 它快要断气了.

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Sunday, May 15, 2005
Bad.

太悲伤了. 命就是不公平的. 又有多少人能了解我呢?

小熊只是个不起眼儿的东西. 上天不断的对它开玩笑, 令它一次又一次的失望. 坚强的守护着, 徘徊着, 就为了找到幸福.

但对它来说, 幸福并不是完美的. 因为所谓美丽的幸福, 就如刀子, 以无数次的在它身上刮了许多次, 留下被弥补过的深伤口. 看着这无价值的东西, 又有多少人会留意到它的存在, 何况是它的感受.

这次它又被刀刮了. 或许在它的生命里, 出现的全部只是些过客罢了. 何时才再不会被伤害呢? 这些过客给了它一些些希望, 但谁知, 却深深的伤害了它. 它几乎快风了, 快崩溃了.

雨不断的一直下着, 它从未看过雨后的彩虹. 根不必说是带给它温暖的太阳.

小熊真的累了. 它真的厌倦这凄凉的人生了. 与其让它受尽折磨, 不如就结束它吧. 让它从此消失吧. 永远也不会活在他人的心里了. 不会了.

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Saturday, May 14, 2005
Blank.

well. i seriously dunno what title should i give to this entry. so let it be blank.

hmm, for the past few days i havent been blogging. because i am so blur. everyday i am feeling different feelings and i dunno how i should put that into words. everytime i sign into here, i dunno what to type. should i be happi or should i be sad? do i have a choice?

today i finally decided to blog. phew. let me put things in order. till now, i am still blur. this joke that has been played on me for long. still have yet to come to an end.

when u are not living very happily, u tend to have mood swing and bad temper. for me, my mood swing seems to have worsen. i am so easily pissed. anyway, i will learn to control.

sometimes things seems to be on the right track but actually they are not. that is what have made me so blur. i dunno what all this is supposed to mean. or issit just another joke. for both. i dunno. i try my best, to understand. but it makes me feel bad. because i should not be doing that. but what other choices i have? what else can i do?

yesterday i went to sp. i confirm going design camp. so that will at least bring some happening stuff to my life. better than a dead me. then i went swimming and come to realise that my swimming have deproved slightly again. anyway, jo did not come for the training but instead ch brought a guy friend for the training. sheesh. =X bleahx.

then i met up with rw and had a really wonderful time. =] strolled around suntec again then chilled at some places which took us some time to decide where. stayed for quite some time.

then chatted on the phone for very very long. haa. sometime things are so funny. i dont know why. this makes me blur again.

i have tried to think and understand somethings. but the thoughts always contradict each other. so, yea. oh, jin, please give some guidiance. hope u bless me.

i do have a few great frends to cheer me on. they really do. thx.

tomorrow i am meeting ch and her parents to go out. we are on some arty outing. waa. woo. it will be fun, hopefully~

i am just thinking, when i will be leaving on my jet plane? and, yes, i have to mention this again, not all things are clear.

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Thursday, May 12, 2005
Confused.

am i like cursed to be stuck in the trap forever? this is terrible. so badd. i am so depressed now. this is just a so funny problem. too funny.

for first it is rather funny, i stood there so long. too long. see myself fall, then stand up again by myself. convince myself, encourage myself. till i really dies off. i thought i cannot believe in that again.

came next. so different. seems real, but actually no. this is weird. i think i failed again. and i did. but currently i am fine with it.

third. i am so dear to this. really. but seems just like the previous. i expect myself to fail again? i hope not. because it is important to me. but times, things do not go the way you wanted it to be. so, i try my best. perhaps i conclude too fast? i hope not.

argh..... boom. a person just end his life like that. so easy. he is gone, he dont have to face his problems. run away? coward? stupid? maybe. i might just be coward and stupid too. i just let my problem go.

i am tired le. life is long. but i am too tired le. i will just leave it here le.

i am confused. i dont wanna be confused. leave it. no people will ever understand. never.

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Monday, May 09, 2005
Nothing.

oh, well, i think the day should not be blogged about. anyway, when to jin's void deck today. i have really been long since the last time i went there. yea. just sat there and rot. then walked to beach. feeling peace and serene there. i am able to think properly. too clear also not good lar. sorted out some feelings and bah.

spot a shaded area and cool of there. near my previous class bbq area *4 pits de.* and thought that it was nice to hang around there then. so beautiful memories. hee. still remember stayed there till 4am with jerome, isabella, weitao, benneth and rayson. hee.

well, then was like writing and drawing on my papers then threw it inti the sea. haa. how much paper i wasted. -_-"

then decided to meet up with chandini for lunch. heyy, long time never have lunch with her le! weet weet. was walking back to meet her. went past big playground and it reminds me of me used to go there there with benneth, zhaozhi and alvin to jog, run, play. lol. nvm.

had mac and was like, accompanied her back to school to collect her o'level certificate. then took train as she needed to go potong pasir and i needed to go for swimming training.

i am so tired. yess, met joanne and cheryl on the way. hee, took bus there instead. lol. from the mrt station. lol. nvm, bah. then training was like, SO TIRING!. no rest in intervals for today! and so sadly, both my calf cramped today. that is really bad. too bad. argh, couldn't swim properly after that, until now.

hey, there is a great improvement today. i mean, yea, i, i improved! haha. lol.

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Sunday, May 08, 2005
Live.

well, let blog yesterday's event first. until noon, met friends at town. walked around and spent lottas time in book stores. was wondering which should be the next book i will buy. was rather silent, awkward, i am quiet too. haa. and i met this ever so wonderful person, ms tan sl. oh gosh. she is ever sweet, toghther with her husband. hehee.

went round searching things and i got home late. had dinner then it is the long wait to 4am. meanwhile, chatted with friend and played game. i wasnt feeling well then. felt as though i am expiring soon.

prepare here and there. cook, play. making a cake can kill me. well, i should not mention the processes here. it will be so boring.

thought everything came out fine until... when we try the cake, it was as hard as rock. lol. pengx. failed.

whole night never sleep and i am so tired. bathed and tried to sleep but i couldnt. so watched teevee instead. then came online. till now. i am fully awake le. dont feel like having lunch and i am not going to have it. shall let my old friend come huant me.

i live. not to the fullest. many things are restricted. got knows what happen tomorrow. but i still dont live the fullest. because there are restrictions. i cannot do much things that i enjoy to. i just live everyday as it is. perhaps it is the reason why i treasure companionships with friends very much. too much.

god knows what tomorrow will be. he gives me an opportunity and but will remove it from me when he likes. nothing is clear. no answers to every questions. i dont know if it is fair, but who cares. it is me. mine. who give a damp.

who really knows you well? perhaps it is only you. how i wish i can spill everything stucked in me out to one. and i did. yes, almost everything. it flows behind the screen, not showing as i spill. i dont want one to worry. i am alright now. but almost means not all. the remaining, should it be with me only. i will decide someday. like i say, nothing is clear.

i dont want to bother about it anymore. it is too pestering. i treasure companionship more now. even across the screen. i live, my life.

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Saturday, May 07, 2005
Melancholy.

think i am getting crazy le. hah. bah.

well, went swimming today. lol. it was raining then stopped. the weather was really cold and it makes me feels a lil too sick to swim. nvm, i went anyway. swimming. bah. then went out with my swimming mates.

waited for some freaking bus that too sooo long time to arrive. then we were like discussing what to watch. cheryl wanted house of wax while kati is under 16. lol. the interperter? biondi watched it le. took so long time to decide but no conclusion so decided to discuss over the meal.

dinner! joanne and me was so hungry then. went pasta mania, whee. then decided to give another try on house of wax. and biondi was great ya. call some stranger to help to buy ticket for kati.

then went shopping for joanne and cherly's mother day cake ingredients. wow. walk here and there. so many laughters and lame stuffs. loll.

and soon it is the scare-myself-time. but afterall, it was not scary but gross instead. loll. then spent some time with them at mac.

oh, i this morning i was reminiscing the moments with jin. well, i was not feeling well then. her birthday is coming in two months time. the last time i last went to see her was during her birthday, so i think i should go see here soon.

journey home alone makes me think alot again. really. was it all fake or what? oh well, nvm. you probably will not understand.

yes. melancholy. too much depressions adds up. what if i have melancholia. oh my god. i am going crazy. love me please.

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Friday, May 06, 2005
Recce.

oh well. wad a 'lol' day. took 22 to amk today. when i reached the central, was like no idea where to chill out. did a recce around. but end i got lost in that area. how funny can i be. message wei. waa, i am lost. lol. but oh well, he was a great help. =]

end up did not chill out anywhere. walk around and finally i should walk to aunt's house instead. but walk and walk... then went to junction 8 to chill instead. met up with annice. hahaa.. so funny lol. well, nvm.

then went back to yck and off to meet aunt. hee. had dinner there then time to go back to home. was strolling around as i am not feeling good. well, this time i strolled from yck to amk then to bishan park then bishan. rested, then strolled backwards to bishan pk then to 22 bus stop. well, did i mention i got lost again. so stupid me lor. and the walk was to eerie. woooooo... ok, yilong will be a brave boi boi. and i am!! at least brave enough to stoll those dark, mysterious places alone. but had to thank my friend for accompanying me with the messages. whee, =]

well, do you believe i went to look at 2 funeral wakes. well, that makes eerieness add on. lol. wooooo... hey, yilong is a brave boy. lol.

think i am mad le. too seriously mad. thought to much things, and feelings mixed. dunno should be glad or, oh well. maybe i am a lil too 'zi4 dong4' le. will be more reserved. yah, and, i will try my best.

so what are all this supposed to mean? i am blur. really. getting me stucked here is not a very good idea. or maybe i know what it means. it is just that i refuse to aknowledge it. perhaps. i am just lying to myself. thats bad. really.

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Thursday, May 05, 2005
Depressed.

oh well. today is supposed to be a great day, but well, nvm.

met with jocelyn, isabella, shuying and zaty to collect out o level certificate. oh well, it is ready so people, you guys can go collect it le.

by right supposed to go sp with jocelyn but in the end we did not. end up all five of us go tm, and walk around. well, isabella almost lost her pouch lor. -_- then went arcade! yea, and u can see that two gun-video-game-freaks, namely jocelyn and yilong playing like siao.

isabella is going to peneng tonight. and of course i expect some pressies from her. heehee. so she left home early with zaty. while shuying, jocelyn and me went to k.

well, dunno why, i choosed all sad song. lol. pengx. cos i am sad. well, i will say more at the later part. well, it is night time so home time. well, was with shuying then realised our certs are with joscelyn! lol. went to take and specially sent to shuying house.

so funny lor. recieved something not really happi about from a friend. i started thinking and replied. soon, gastric strike back. yes, when handphone beeps, gastric came too. shucks. well, you know that whenever i have gastric, i cannot eat, otherwise it will turn worst.

when to a park near by too, to rest, as well to reflect. it hurts, my gastric pain. well, i think, and i think. not something very good about.

hey, actually i should be very glad about. first time i have a really good dream. well, even it is a dream, i still love it really much. it is about.. hee, cannot say. so sweet =D *like i am sicko lor* and if u infactuate someone, you should be happi. so yah. should not be depressed instead.

but some things just come. just like that feeling. as i use the computer, read more, the sadder i became. well, so what is a guy tear. bleahx. today is a tearing day. so many people tear. well, only 3 lar. haha.

cheng2 si1 le4 hao3 jiu3, di2 que4 jiu4 shi4 ni3 le4. gai1 zen3 mo4 ban4 ne1?

today is a special day. i will be very happi today! i will be very glad today! why special? cos it's 050505. yes. it will be even more special later at 05.05am. that makes it 050505, 0505. hehe.

if yilong ever gets angry with you, dont worry. because his temper never gets him as far as 1/2 to 1 day. dont you think so? well, most people will agree hor. i am just so kind. and people will also dont know when yilong is depressed. *except through my blog entries right.* well, i dont know how to express myself so i always potray myself to be happi. but i thought that this is good. cos people around me will be happi too. and i dont like to spread the sadbomb. but people affects me alot. so issnt this unfair. lol. i am going crazy.

lala~ go see my aunt later!

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Wednesday, May 04, 2005
Hmmm.

well. dunno wad the title should be. so.. yah.

ooh, remember i mention my ever beautiful-understand-yilong-well-enough-and-forever-with-me pal, ms yang? oh well, steal a pix from her blog. lol.


well, this is her! oh well, that day is investiture and i am wearing pink formal! haa. *thou i look a lil funny and weird. lol*

well, i will post more pix when i upload them to the computer. haha.

work! finally do not need to go back office for this week le! well, went to office late today cos wake up late and was having headache from the previous night's gastric. *can go out walk until even forget to eat dinner lor.*

my gosh, know what, today i skipped swimming training. cos all my friends never go and i cannot contact them! all of them! well, moreover i scared of the tuesday coach, so yah. lol.

nothing to do so i went to a void deck, while waiting for theresa, i finish read my book le! yess. finally. then i did some deep reflections. *oh well, i am all alone* when it comes to these moment, depression mode will always be switched on. for the past few days, i am glad that some things happened and sad that somethings happened too. i am easily affected by sad stuffs, moreover the radio is playing all the sad songs lor. pengx!

then i wrote a short chinese reflection, more like a story. my story will never be on the bright side cos, for you to write something good, must really experience it through, so i am best in that. -_- after that i will always throw away the paper, just like throwing away all the sad feelings away that is stored in that piece.

i try not to think so much, but sometimes things cannot be controlled. i have already fallen into the trap. whad i can do now is to stop myself from falling further in. *kaoz, even till now the radio is still playing sad songs lor, cannnot concentrade lehx. i am blogging now lor.* aiyah, i will learn to... well, nvm.

evening then met theresa again and confirm on some big walk stuff! oh any people want to join me in the big walk? please tell me, and we can all go walk walk. $4 for registration, 10km run around city. yea! call me yea!

after that went walking around. hahaa, tried so new sushi. lol. i have been eating japanese stuff all today. lol.

well, tomorrow i am meeting the very wonderful-person-who-i-love-very-much, jocelyn! yes. going back to school to collect our o level cert. hee. then we going to our new sch, sp! haha. then it will be some walking around. hah.

*wo3 rang4 wo3 zi4 ji3 xian4 ru4 bu4 neng2 zi4 ba2 de4 xian4 jin3. bu4 xiang3 shi4 qing2 bian4 de2 tai4 fu3 za2, wo3 jiu4 bu4 neng2 rang4 zi4 ji3 xian4 de2 geng4 sheng1.*

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Tuesday, May 03, 2005
Confused.

hmm, let me do some recap of the day first. was doing nothing at hpme and deciding where to go and if i should me my friend. well, everything is so bored and my friend is meeting another friend so i decided not.

met up with kaihong instead to go swimming and sun tanning. lol. i look a lil darker now. yea! saw some people breaking swimming pool rule but decided should let the lifeguard on duty do his job. oh well, we are just new lifeguard so, yah.

walked around and went suntec, actually to have dinner with vanice, but too bad, she cannot make it. so blah, i was alone. and suprisingly my friend is also there. blah. i am so blank, so went to millenia walk to my chocolate stores to but chocolates. lol. sinful indulgence. the went to fountain to see the lazer thingy. alone. lol. then my friend came to find me, but his friend left. lol.

dunno where to go so walk around. then stroll to citilink, to esplanade. oh my gosh. arts display. jigsaw puzzle! wow. so fasinated. so is weix. loved that place like before. then stroll to open theatre and saw a band performing and there was this funny uncle, aka esplanade dancer dancing so hot. lol. uncle leh. pengx. then walked along my favourite place, the esplanade bridge. see constellations, althought not clear. lol. then around the area. no people around! seem like only 2 human being around. lol. but well.. hee. till decided to go bus stop, see bus guide. lol. then bid farewell, i went wrong route, walk back, messages here and there then meet annice.

back to the east and home. messages here and there. called people. lol. then home. computer time!!

glad that i acomplished my sun tanning today. didnt planned to meet my friend but in the end, yes. happi. walk here and there. nice day. really. funny, sweet, nice chats. but this elation was a lil mixed with some depression. *oh well, i am always like so depressed lor* heard something i dun really felt glad about. but what to do. i also dunno how to react. lol. i really pengx le. *ping piang* opps.

haix. by the way, our 4th president has departured. i am so sad. haix.
depression + sadness = not yilong.

oh. i am having gastric now again. but i will not eat now. just go sleep and hopefully will be alright tomorrow. sheesh. this is so bad. really bad. it will not be serios and i will not go hospital. yah.

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Monday, May 02, 2005
Stucked.

haa. people, u all know that yilong is easily affected bu people's comment. really. i tried so hard to console him. anyway, i think he is alright le. yupx. well, actually i not sure lar. haha, hopefully bah.

theresa has a twin. her twin is emily. though they do not look alike and their characters are different but they really do have telepathy. really. so i always thought i have a twin too. somewhere in this world. or issit i am thinking too much. well, i believe that 'twin' of mine really do exist. just that i do not know where is my 'twin' is.

whenever i suddenly felt happi, i thought that it is because my 'twin' is in very good mood. and whenever i suddenly felt sad, i thought that it is because my 'twin' is feeling depressed. hmmm, interesting rite?! perhaps that explains why i hav mood swing. maybe larr.

now i wonder is that 'twin' my friend. when my friend feels happi, i will feel better. but when not, i am affected and feels depressed. (anw, i think i think too much le.)

well. i dunno. so easily affected. perhaps i am really a boring person. lol. well, i will learn to change.

ren2 sheng1 shi4 mao2 dun4 de4. ni3 qi1 dai4 de4 shi4 wei4 bi4 hui4 shi2 xian4. ming2 re4 gai1 zen3 mo4 ban4 ne1. huo4 xu3 wo3 bu4 gai4 qu4 ba3. *zhe2 ren2 qing3 gei3 wo3 yi4 xie1 zhi3 shi4 ba3.

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Sunday, May 01, 2005
Mixed.

well. having some mixed feelings. well. once in elation, another in depression. lets mention about the latter first.

Depressed.
been thinking too much all this while. includes the person and her. well. should not me thinking too much and should motivate myself more. felt so uncertain. she could just take me with her and i will be gone. forever and ever. never want to live a life again.

wonders what is me in my friends heart. definitely i have lottas friends, but so whar when they are nice to you initially and hack care after that. i know some will always be my vey close friends. *i will mention them in the elation part* sometimes i felt so lost. felt so anti social. felt unwanted. felt misarable. nah. others are all secret.

Elation!
yes. happi and optimistic me. looking at the bright sight, i do have really great friends.

firstly is her. she is forever with me. what can i ask for more?

annette. the beautiful-understand-yilong-well-enough-and-forever-with-me pal.
chandini. the charming-wonderful-great-lady-who-loves-yilong pal. *tsk tsk*
valerie. the best-always-encouraging-yilong-person-ever pal.

i specially adores this 3 people and we even call ourselves as 3344. seriously, although there are so many beautiful memories in my past, but this 3 wonderful person left the deepest mark in my heart. i am so blessed with the 3 gals. i love the times we spent together, the times we do work together, the times we complain together, the times we play together and everything. i just love them. ever.

Reflect.
of course there are others who are nice to. but thinking back at everyone of them. how many actually know me well. none. not even my 3344 people knows everything. i just find it too difficult to share.

so i try another alternative which is to know more online friends. but usually is we know le, then meet, oh yah, after sometimes then say hi. what for i let them know much about me.

so, no choice, i kept all thoughts to me and myself only. always potraying a happi-go-lucky front.

but i am glad to know 2 person who i told them some things. but again, they just know a little bit more only. not all. timothy is my teacher and he knows some. another one is an online-get-to-know friend. told him is because he is somehow or rather quite like me. *i hope i nv see wrongly* in aspects of perferance, personality, behaviour and blah. just that he is a lil extrovert than me, a lil clever than me and blah. but sometime u treat one like a really very super good/close friend, but he or she might not. because either he or she is too popular or different from what you think. i did not tell my this friend much too cos i am also unsure. what if he or she just treat me as a normal friend only and i say so much for what. although he is 'similar' to yilong and i do hope he is my close friend, but still unsure. but i am trying very hard to find a close pal le.

well, this is so messy. but anyway i pen down some stuffs le. so hopefully i will feel a lil better. am i? a lil only.

yilong ponders.

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.the guy.
label. tan yilong
gender. boii
age. 17 years old
date. 31'st august 88
email. tylong28@yahoo
msn. ed_nuts@hotmail
school. sp design
home. tamp

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wilson.lim

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