Sunday, October 16, 2005
Yilong. yes. it has been long since i update till now. partially because i am busy, but certain things, i dont feel like blogging too.
many things took place in this period of my getaway from my blog. too much. i dont know where to start from either.
wait... WARNING! stop here if you do not want to read a super duper long entry.
firstly, everytime i come to my blog, it reminds me of jin. and i will feel so sorry and sad. although i have gotten over it, but that is only superficial. there is still a lil regret in my heart that can never be erased. the pain still do exist. on and off i dreamt of her.
i know of a friend who taught me that 'nothing is forever', and i idolise someone who also taught me that 'if u cant repay what u owe now, you will in the next life'. yes, indeed nothing is forever. just like jin and me are perhaps fated not to be friends in the same dimension. and what ever i owe her, i wonder when i will repay her.
well, i am contridicting myself again. one is when she decreased, i am her friend, and that will be for forever, i am always her friend and she's mine too. two is that let me owe her something and let she owe me something too. so this is never ending, my whatever life, there will always be a her. oh my god, what am i talking all about???
like the song in my blog, kelly sings that 'i dont like to be trapped here in the memories. where there is happiness, there will be sadness too. i try to face it and manage it, i can only accept this fate. you and me is already the past, why still try to see hope? but to forget also needs time and definitely, it will be someday...'
kelly worte this song and this is just so perfect. i like it very much. i like kelly as much too. i feels so sad everytime i listen to it. its too touching, too much feeling in it.
maybe my someday still not here for the moment.
i read my previous entries from very far back then. oh dear, i conclude that my life till this time is full of jealousy and especially sadness. because i never understand myself. i always guess me. i am stuck with those few friends around me and i dont know how to be friend with them, perhaps thats why i feels lonely and am always livng in my own world. maybe you always see me mixing around with lots of friends and maybe you see my circle of friends as very large, but all those are superficial. i can say that till now, no one knows me well enough, even myself.
sometimes i do things that i dont understand too. i just dont understand. i take this time to stop and look backwards. parhaps its my fate with people and the combination with my life, i am what i am today. and/or also perhaps i lose a great friend in life. plus my many failure in life.
failure. i am utterly disgusted by my failures. say studies, some might think that i did not bad, but they just dont know me, the stress i faced and my expectations. yes, i think i did not bad too but i always try to peak to the highest point. my expectations of me are very high. say me give myself too much stress, but looking at some better people, they are always at my top no matter how hard i try. but you know that studying and trying to be top of everybody can be very tiring.
i came in to the last class as my friends initially and we peak together and progress together that most went to the first but i am stucked in the middle. maybe a little better that i am above the average but they tasted the feeling of topping so many time and i only feel it once. once. pathetically once. and i thought that i can carry on in my strengths to improve myself, so i moved on but only found out that an average will always be an average.
lets reveal my results. primer one, i sorced an 'A+', two 'B+'s and a 'B'. primer two, i scored 2 'B+'s and two 'B's. i cling more towards the disappointment with myself. you might not see my education as a failure like my sister and cousin admires me for what i am, but i see so.
say swimming. i desire to swim for my country someday. but this can only, maybe forever, be a dream. i spent so much time in it. or perhaps determination wasnt enough, i failed again. so what if i am a life guard at this age. so what if i out win some/most people/friends with my breast and back stroke. i can never win my teammates. in the first place, do i belong to the team?
i am leave with no choice but to pause swimming for some finicial issues. or perhaps 100% determination in my eyes to become a national swimmer were not all present. i once lose three chances to strive in swimming. first is i joined the ssa team too late. or you can even say i am not part of the team. second is sports school doesnt want to accept my appication, or rather you can say that i chose not to repeat a year thus gave up swimming in sports school. third is that soon after i paused swimming, chances of proving myself and getting into a good swim club in a competition was lost. what else can i say for this failure.
even when i look at my school's swimming team now, no matter how much burning desire i have in wanting to join them, i just cannot bring up my courage to approach them. for fear, i deproved so much to date. i am not young anymore. i am 17 this year and sea games is in this year and olympics will be in 3 years time. i dont even dare to dream to be in team spore now, whats more being in the competitions. such a failure.
people relationship wise, i dont know how to manage them. i am poor at these. thats why i those considered very good ones, i treasured alot. very very much. annette, chandini, theresa, annice and jinjin are the big portion of happiness in my life. so much that no matter what i cannot dont have them. of course this also includes some others.
well, i should stop and not carry on with this. and this should not be the factors to bring me down, because if somedays this happens, i will become desperate and die off.
well, i was on a getaway from life too. and it was fun though may events took place. of which is that i lost my phone and i have to purchase a new one to forg out for the lost one. otherwise, no matter what's going to happen to be, will let me be better dead than anything.
i am in holiday too. although i feel free but i know time is not enough for me. i am not moving on. i could have spent time imporving studies, do my work, excel in swimming and all, but i am still not moving. i dont know where should i start. oh dear. too much things to do.
i start to fear. waiting for the results of primer 3 and 4. i know i did very badly for primer 3 and i can expect 'C's or even 'D's. but i pray hard for no 'C' or 'D'. i never get those two before. so please. no way!!! but i know i did well in primer 4. i have confidence but there will always be miricales. so please again, no 'C's or 'D's!!!
i just recently celebrated a deity's birthday. this major event that i am in have been for years. and this one this year have made me more holy. taoism in me rocks!!! and i am pleased that i am one of the diciple of deity i believe in. for my deity, i carry on to live strong! and now that it is just over, and i have eaten 2 weeks of vegetarian foods, it is the celebration for dinners time, lasting 8 days. hooray! regarding this deity and the birthday celebration, i will update in the next entry.
well, there is too much for me to blog! i am still not done but it is 3.04AM IN THE MORNING NOW!! let me rest and i shall carry on someday ok. all the best, yilong!** thous left @ 1:46:00 AM **
| 0 comments
0 Comments:
.the guy.
label. tan yilong
gender. boii
age. 17 years old
date. 31'st august 88
email. tylong28@yahoo
msn. ed_nuts@hotmail
school. sp design
home. tamp
.tagboard.
.friends.
aaron.lim
aaron.chan
annette.yang
annice.tan
chandini.feroz
desmond.peh
fiona.lau
nicolette.tan
tan.meihui
vanice.lam
wilson.lim
.links.
friendster
hotmail
yahoo
.credits.
cbox
blogger
dynamicdrive
blogskins
photobucket
haloscan
.archives.
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006